*Note: I will be speaking mainly about heterosexual, cisgendered men for this.
Of course, it's no secret that I'm a sex-positive feminist. Today, I'd like to discuss a topic that is sex-related.
How many times in your life have you been asked, "Does size matter?"
I know that, in a lot of my blogs, I write a lot about my lesbianism and gay rights and the queer community, and whatnot, but I didn't always know for sure that I was totally gay. And I dated a few guys in my time, when I used to identify as bisexual. Not a single one of them didn't ask me some variation of that question posed above, or at least allude to it, in one way or another, implying that they wanted an honest answer.
Why are cis-men so obsessed with size? That is the age-old question. That is a question I've always wanted an honest answer to (and I think it's much more interesting/thought-provoking than whether or not size matters, frankly). It seems, in my experience, that men are more concerned with the size of their dicks than any women I've ever known are.
My ex-boyfriend let insecurities about his size not only interfere with his personal life and his perception of himself and his masculinity overall, but he even allowed all of that to put a damper on our sex life, all because he was so dissatisfied with his penis size. On several occasions, he even went so far as to apologize to me about it, like he'd done something wrong and hurt or offended me, all just because of his size. No matter how many times I tried to reassure him that there was nothing to be worried about, that he was stressing for no reason, that things were groovy as can be, he just flat-out refused to believe me. He insisted that I was just saying that because I loved him (what an asshole that'd make me), and projected onto me his own dissatisfaction with his size.
I can't even tell you how frustrating something like that can be, especially since I was definitely being sincere. I've even been known to say that I prefer it when they're on the smaller side (which is still true; I don't do big vibrators, either), but, still, it was fruitless in alleviating his doubt. As a fairly petite woman who is small in stature, I can definitely say that larger penises generally just tend to feel very uncomfortable and painful to me, or possibly even just to women with a similar body-type. There's pretty much no pain like having someone slam repeatedly into your cervix, while simultaneously being blissfully unaware of the blinding white-hot pain they're causing you.
How's that for a cis-female perspective on cock-size?
The simple truth is, gentlemen, that most women don't care about size. Or, if they do, they don't care about it in the way that you might think they do; I think more women agree with me on the size issue than with most men, who are obsessed with being larger. Believe me when I say this: It means a lot more to you than it does to her. The average penis size for an adult male is between five and five-and-a-half inches. The average depth of an adult female is about four to five inches. We are made to procreate, and we are made to fit together. Ergo, while a lot of men are worrying about their size, they are likely not considering the fact that an abnormally large penis could possibly be not only detrimental to their sex life as a whole, but dangerous for their partner. You could hurt her! You could tear her perineum, you could make her bleed, you could hinder her ability to reach orgasm because of her discomfort, and, overall, it just ends up being an ungratifying experience.
Women just simply don't go around searching for guys with huge dicks. That's not how it works, and I have to believe, deep down, that most men realize that. It's not a requirement for anybody. I ask men to think about it a little bit, from the flip-side: When you're confronted with sex with a woman, do you really care all that much about the size of her breasts? Whether or not her pussy is super-tight? If she has a huge ass, a tiny waist, the "ideal" hourglass figure? No. Not particularly. Because if you like her, and you're going to sleep with her, you're just glad to be taking part in it, and you can appreciate her for the beautiful body that she has, and enjoy yourself (while, hopefully, making sure she enjoys herself, too).
So why do you think she can't do the same?
I have a lot of thoughts about this. I could attribute it to the status of the male figure in society, and the fact that the male body and its penis is a symbol of power and dominance. Bigger is, naturally, better, right? It's a deeply-rooted, socially-ingrained thought-process.
Perhaps they've just watched way too much porn, and began to think that's how sex really is; that women scream unnecessarily loud and can effortlessly deep-throat a ten-inch rod of man-meat and lap up semen like it's hot fudge. (Hint: That's not how sex really is, and you'd be extremely surprised at how much porn is just good, ol'-fashioned camera tricks and other illusions; most of the "semen" in porn movies is just marzipan and water!)
And maybe, just maybe, some of these men have heard a very select few women discussing size, and heard them express a preference for larger penises, and carried that with them, dwelled on it, and started to beat themselves up about it.
Do not, under any circumstances, use those "male-enhancement" pills, creams, pumps, or anything else that is "guaranteed" to increase your size. Of all of these supposedly "clincal" methods, ZERO have been proven or verified as having even a modicum of effect! Please spare yourself the disappointment. Don't waste your time, money, or energy on things like that; especially when they could really just end up hurting you and damaging your health in some way.
Please don't waste your money on a penile extension/implant, either. They're not attractive, they are uncomfortable, they are unrealistic, and you are taking a serious risk in potentially losing your ability to function sexually.
Conclusively, I can only offer one final piece of advice: Be satisfied with your body, just the way it is, including your penis. Masculine is not what you're trying to be; it's what you are. Body-hate and body-negativity never accomplishes much, except perhaps damaging your self-esteem, and hindering your sexual freedom. Maybe permanently. Pertaining to the matter of size, I can guarantee you that you are most certainly your harshest critic. I am not a sex-expert, nor am I a psychologist, nor do I have the most sexual experience of all the people I know, but I can say that I've had enough sex to know this: Lovemaking is not about size. Your propensity to satisfy your partner, and your worth as a sexual being, is not determined by holding a ruler up against your shaft and seeing a double-digit, or even one crawling toward that side of the spectrum. It's about listening to your partner when they tell you what they do and do not like, and your willingness and enthusiasm for meeting their needs, whatever they happen to be. Sex is about mutual pleasure and satisfaction, fun, and, depending on your view of sex, love and trust. It is not a competition, it is not a power-struggle, and it is not a time to criticize and scrutinize every self-perceived flaw about your body, or your partner's. It's a time to celebrate each other. It's only about appreciation.
So let yourself appreciate it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The (Disco) BLOODBATH Next Door.
Fair warning: I don't want to hear anything about how "gross" this is. It's not. It's NATURAL. It's a part of life. It's THE MOON. It's what we are, and it's a function of our stunning bodies. That's all there is to it. There is nothing "gross" about it, whatsoever. I hope some of you take as much comfort in that as I do.
Onward.
I will be discussing something kind of fun today. Well, it's fun for me. I can't speak on behalf of other female-bodied individuals, but this is a subject that I take a special brand of pleasure in discussing.
Menstruation!
When I was younger, I really used to hate it. Yes, I hated the debilitating cramps, the mood swings that made everyone around me call me "Sybil," and the crippling, blinding migraines. I hated crawling to the medicine cabinet to search frantically for Pamprin or aspirin or SOMETHING. I hated that I had to feel uncomfortable all day long for four days straight. I hated going to school when I was on my period, and participating in gym class. I hated that I had to be worried that someone would know I was bleeding. I hated the sucky fear of bleeding all over my clothes, and staining my pants, especially during the night. I hated everything associated with it.
And now, more than anything, I simply hate the social stigma attached to it.
I'll admit that, yes, I still get headaches and cramps and mood swings. I still feel uncomfortable and bloated. I still like to be alone (or exclusively with other women) when I'm bleeding, and I still like to binge on chocolate and watch the moon and demand absolutely nothing from myself, or any other woman. But, now that I'm older and I'm so much more in-tune with my feminist side, I will admit that it holds a certain charm for me. I can't say I look forward to all the icky stuff that comes with it, but I don't dread it anymore, either. Sometimes, I even stand in the shower and just watch the blood run down my legs and into the drain. Just because I can. Because it's undeniably feminine. And it's power. That's certainly not meant as a dig to exclude my transgendered sisters, either, to invalidate their feminine qualities or their womanhood, or to say that having your period is what makes one a woman, or even feminine. It's just something that I think of as another facet of my own personal femininity, and the power OF that femininity. After all, it's something natural and healthy, and it can make grown men cower and grimace, because it's been long-stigmatized by society's cuntfear. So, yes, that's pretty powerful to me.
Anyway.
Now that I've gushed a little bit (no pun intended), I'd like to talk a little bit about commercially-produced menstruation products, and birth control pills/patches/shots/what have you, as many brands affect one's monthly cycle, these days, and why it's important for women to avoid them as much as you can, if you can.
Mass-produced menstrual products are three things: They're bad for the Earth, they're bad for your body, and they contain chemicals and other noxious elements which are incredibly harsh on some of the most sensitive skin you possess. When using tampons, especially, think about the function of a tampon: It is inserted into your vagina, and it is used to absorb your flow. Now, think about this: It is ALSO absorbing all of your natural lubrication! And that is why women have come up with Toxic Shock Syndrome. When your natural lubrication is absorbed completely, the area, obviously, becomes quite dry; it's an area that is not meant to be dried out like that. When the area becomes dry, and you stuff another wad of cotton up there, it's going to cause hairline wounds. When hairline wounds are present, bacteria has the propensity to seep inside of them. When bacteria seeps inside of them, and it's harmful bacteria, you get an infection you can't even feel. Next thing you know, you're waking up in the emergency room because you passed out, and you're recovering from a near-death experience! And that's only if you're lucky enough to have caught it in time.
Pads aren't much better, as they still contain chemicals, harsh perfumes, and the cotton is stiff and dry. (And, seriously, what's the deal with them constantly shifting and feeling incredibly bulky and flat-out scootching up one's ass?) Anyone who has ever worn one knows how uncomfortable and annoying they are.
Birth control is a seriously poor solution, too. We're forced, day in and day out, to watch these commercials with conventionally-beautiful, racially-ambiguous, smiling women who are raving about "four periods a year!" and what a good thing it is to be on the pill, in favor of only having to endure four periods a year. What's so good about that? I don't see anything positive about repressing your body's functions. I'm supposed to be impressed that one can take this pill that shortens your periods and/or represses them completely, while simultaneously augmenting the potential for heart attacks, strokes, blood-clots, and other extremely harmful conditions? All of these things can lead to death. And birth control of all kinds have taken the lives of women. Women are supposed to seriously endanger their lives for shorter, more infrequent periods and so their boyfriends don't have to wear a condom (which will NOT endanger his life in any way, shape, or form, provided that he isn't allergic)?
Oh, the world we live in.
There's also the undeniable fact that the overwhelming majority of ALL of these products - both menstruation products and birth control alike - are produced, managed, marketed, and developed by men.
By men. For women.
By men. FOR women.
Yeah. There's something wrong with that picture.
So, you may be thinking, "What am I supposed to do, then? I kinda don't want to bleed all over and inside my clothes."
Never fear - the period fairy (that'd be me) is here!
Several months ago, I switched to Lunapads. Lunapads is a company that is founded and run by women. They are reusable, washable maxi-pads and panty-liners that clasp around your underwear like a store-bought maxi with wings would, and you simply change the liner and wash it when needed. The cotton is breathable and organic, and it honestly doesn't feel to me like I'm wearing anything but my panties when I'm wearing them. They're safe, free of chemicals, and I've had better luck not bleeding over the sides and staining my underwear when I wear them. They come in all sizes, so if you're a small girl, you can find something to fit your body, and if you're a larger woman, they make products with you and your needs in mind, too. They also last for at least five years, though I'm sure you could use them for longer, depending on your flow and how light or heavy your periods tend to be.
I am fully aware that some women don't like to wear maxi-pads, and just feel a little squicked out by the thought of bleeding onto something, and I totally understand that. It's a matter of preference for all of us. The wonderful thing is, there are options out there for tampon-wearers, too (or for those, like myself, who like to alternate).
While I haven't personally used one yet, but I've heard a lot of great testimonials about the MoonCup/DivaCup (also founded and run by women). It is a small, hospital-grade silicon cup that you can insert inside of you, like a tampon, and it fits over your cervix to catch your flow; they come in two sizes - one for those who have given birth, and one for those who haven't. It also lasts for five (or more) years. I hear it holds about an ounce of fluid, which is actually quite a lot, since most of us only bleed about three or four ounces throughout our entire period. I have been looking into getting one, for when I leave the house, so I can stop using disposables completely. There are other, similar products on the web, as well.
I also hear some women use sea-sponges in place of tampons, and that they work quite well, with the only con being that when they get full, they... uh. Leak. A little bit. But that shouldn't be too much of a concern if you rinse/change it often. I also wouldn't personally endorse the use of these, as I am a vegan, but I know some women aren't bothered by it, so I say this: You gotta do what you gotta do.
As a final thought: I know some of these things may seem a little expensive, but if you do the math, I think you'll realize that it's a wise investment, in the long run. And I also implore you to consider the fact that you are saving the environment by reducing your impact on it in using products like these. Money can't buy that! Even if you just use these products at home, and disposables when you go out (which is somewhat along the lines of what I've been doing, but I use disposables as little as possible, which is almost never, now), you're still saving money and saving the Earth. You can find breathable, unbleached, organic cotton disposables in most natural/health food stores. And, of course, if you DO end up buying these, and have disposables left over that you don't plan on using, you can donate them to a women's shelter, or to a relief organization to give to women in third-world countries. Most of those women have absolutely nothing, and a lot of people forget that they, too, have periods each month. They always, always, always appreciate stuff like that.
I'd now like to provide some links to these wonderful, women-run and women-owned companies that offer such products, and I really hope it helps anyone who was curious.
http://lunapads.com/
http://www.gladrags.com/
http://www.nurturedfamily.com/cloth-menstrual-pads.aspx
http://www.divacup.com/
http://www.mooncup.co.uk/
http://www.keeper.com/
http://www.seapearls.co.uk/history.php
Onward.
I will be discussing something kind of fun today. Well, it's fun for me. I can't speak on behalf of other female-bodied individuals, but this is a subject that I take a special brand of pleasure in discussing.
Menstruation!
When I was younger, I really used to hate it. Yes, I hated the debilitating cramps, the mood swings that made everyone around me call me "Sybil," and the crippling, blinding migraines. I hated crawling to the medicine cabinet to search frantically for Pamprin or aspirin or SOMETHING. I hated that I had to feel uncomfortable all day long for four days straight. I hated going to school when I was on my period, and participating in gym class. I hated that I had to be worried that someone would know I was bleeding. I hated the sucky fear of bleeding all over my clothes, and staining my pants, especially during the night. I hated everything associated with it.
And now, more than anything, I simply hate the social stigma attached to it.
I'll admit that, yes, I still get headaches and cramps and mood swings. I still feel uncomfortable and bloated. I still like to be alone (or exclusively with other women) when I'm bleeding, and I still like to binge on chocolate and watch the moon and demand absolutely nothing from myself, or any other woman. But, now that I'm older and I'm so much more in-tune with my feminist side, I will admit that it holds a certain charm for me. I can't say I look forward to all the icky stuff that comes with it, but I don't dread it anymore, either. Sometimes, I even stand in the shower and just watch the blood run down my legs and into the drain. Just because I can. Because it's undeniably feminine. And it's power. That's certainly not meant as a dig to exclude my transgendered sisters, either, to invalidate their feminine qualities or their womanhood, or to say that having your period is what makes one a woman, or even feminine. It's just something that I think of as another facet of my own personal femininity, and the power OF that femininity. After all, it's something natural and healthy, and it can make grown men cower and grimace, because it's been long-stigmatized by society's cuntfear. So, yes, that's pretty powerful to me.
Anyway.
Now that I've gushed a little bit (no pun intended), I'd like to talk a little bit about commercially-produced menstruation products, and birth control pills/patches/shots/what have you, as many brands affect one's monthly cycle, these days, and why it's important for women to avoid them as much as you can, if you can.
Mass-produced menstrual products are three things: They're bad for the Earth, they're bad for your body, and they contain chemicals and other noxious elements which are incredibly harsh on some of the most sensitive skin you possess. When using tampons, especially, think about the function of a tampon: It is inserted into your vagina, and it is used to absorb your flow. Now, think about this: It is ALSO absorbing all of your natural lubrication! And that is why women have come up with Toxic Shock Syndrome. When your natural lubrication is absorbed completely, the area, obviously, becomes quite dry; it's an area that is not meant to be dried out like that. When the area becomes dry, and you stuff another wad of cotton up there, it's going to cause hairline wounds. When hairline wounds are present, bacteria has the propensity to seep inside of them. When bacteria seeps inside of them, and it's harmful bacteria, you get an infection you can't even feel. Next thing you know, you're waking up in the emergency room because you passed out, and you're recovering from a near-death experience! And that's only if you're lucky enough to have caught it in time.
Pads aren't much better, as they still contain chemicals, harsh perfumes, and the cotton is stiff and dry. (And, seriously, what's the deal with them constantly shifting and feeling incredibly bulky and flat-out scootching up one's ass?) Anyone who has ever worn one knows how uncomfortable and annoying they are.
Birth control is a seriously poor solution, too. We're forced, day in and day out, to watch these commercials with conventionally-beautiful, racially-ambiguous, smiling women who are raving about "four periods a year!" and what a good thing it is to be on the pill, in favor of only having to endure four periods a year. What's so good about that? I don't see anything positive about repressing your body's functions. I'm supposed to be impressed that one can take this pill that shortens your periods and/or represses them completely, while simultaneously augmenting the potential for heart attacks, strokes, blood-clots, and other extremely harmful conditions? All of these things can lead to death. And birth control of all kinds have taken the lives of women. Women are supposed to seriously endanger their lives for shorter, more infrequent periods and so their boyfriends don't have to wear a condom (which will NOT endanger his life in any way, shape, or form, provided that he isn't allergic)?
Oh, the world we live in.
There's also the undeniable fact that the overwhelming majority of ALL of these products - both menstruation products and birth control alike - are produced, managed, marketed, and developed by men.
By men. For women.
By men. FOR women.
Yeah. There's something wrong with that picture.
So, you may be thinking, "What am I supposed to do, then? I kinda don't want to bleed all over and inside my clothes."
Never fear - the period fairy (that'd be me) is here!
Several months ago, I switched to Lunapads. Lunapads is a company that is founded and run by women. They are reusable, washable maxi-pads and panty-liners that clasp around your underwear like a store-bought maxi with wings would, and you simply change the liner and wash it when needed. The cotton is breathable and organic, and it honestly doesn't feel to me like I'm wearing anything but my panties when I'm wearing them. They're safe, free of chemicals, and I've had better luck not bleeding over the sides and staining my underwear when I wear them. They come in all sizes, so if you're a small girl, you can find something to fit your body, and if you're a larger woman, they make products with you and your needs in mind, too. They also last for at least five years, though I'm sure you could use them for longer, depending on your flow and how light or heavy your periods tend to be.
I am fully aware that some women don't like to wear maxi-pads, and just feel a little squicked out by the thought of bleeding onto something, and I totally understand that. It's a matter of preference for all of us. The wonderful thing is, there are options out there for tampon-wearers, too (or for those, like myself, who like to alternate).
While I haven't personally used one yet, but I've heard a lot of great testimonials about the MoonCup/DivaCup (also founded and run by women). It is a small, hospital-grade silicon cup that you can insert inside of you, like a tampon, and it fits over your cervix to catch your flow; they come in two sizes - one for those who have given birth, and one for those who haven't. It also lasts for five (or more) years. I hear it holds about an ounce of fluid, which is actually quite a lot, since most of us only bleed about three or four ounces throughout our entire period. I have been looking into getting one, for when I leave the house, so I can stop using disposables completely. There are other, similar products on the web, as well.
I also hear some women use sea-sponges in place of tampons, and that they work quite well, with the only con being that when they get full, they... uh. Leak. A little bit. But that shouldn't be too much of a concern if you rinse/change it often. I also wouldn't personally endorse the use of these, as I am a vegan, but I know some women aren't bothered by it, so I say this: You gotta do what you gotta do.
As a final thought: I know some of these things may seem a little expensive, but if you do the math, I think you'll realize that it's a wise investment, in the long run. And I also implore you to consider the fact that you are saving the environment by reducing your impact on it in using products like these. Money can't buy that! Even if you just use these products at home, and disposables when you go out (which is somewhat along the lines of what I've been doing, but I use disposables as little as possible, which is almost never, now), you're still saving money and saving the Earth. You can find breathable, unbleached, organic cotton disposables in most natural/health food stores. And, of course, if you DO end up buying these, and have disposables left over that you don't plan on using, you can donate them to a women's shelter, or to a relief organization to give to women in third-world countries. Most of those women have absolutely nothing, and a lot of people forget that they, too, have periods each month. They always, always, always appreciate stuff like that.
I'd now like to provide some links to these wonderful, women-run and women-owned companies that offer such products, and I really hope it helps anyone who was curious.
http://lunapads.com/
http://www.gladrags.com/
http://www.nurturedfamily.com/cloth-menstrual-pads.aspx
http://www.divacup.com/
http://www.mooncup.co.uk/
http://www.keeper.com/
http://www.seapearls.co.uk/history.php
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Double-Ended Debate Next Door.
(May possibly be triggering.)
There's a very strange conflict I have with myself when I think about censorship, especially when I view the world under a feminist lens. My last blog got me thinking about it, and I figured that I might as well put my thoughts down here.
Permit me to elaborate.
There's a lot of censorship that really pisses me off. I don't like it when people act like saying "fuck," or whatever, is worse than doing something really horrible, like protesting someone's funeral, or beating someone to a pulp for their sexuality/gender-identity/lifestyle choices/what have you. It's always made me seriously bitter to see (some) Christians who have the audacity to get offended by words that have long been deemed "swear" words, whilst simultaneously banishing half the population of America to hell, for one facet of their existence or another.
To this day, I wonder who decided this. Let's give an example.
Let's take the words "shit," and "crap."
When you say, "Oh, crap!" or, "That's crap," it is safe and acceptable. But when you replace "crap" with "shit," it suddenly becomes profane and displeasing. They both mean virtually the same thing, but, suddenly, using "shit" makes the entire phrase ostentatious. It is suddenly obscene. Why are only certain words this way? I can say some guy caught his penis in his fly, and that's cool, but if I said, "Wow, that guy's cock now has more teeth than Jaws," someone would likely get offended by my pithy choice of phrase. Penis and dick and cock. Vulva and cunt and pussy. Screw and fuck. Darn and damn. Butt and ass. Heck and hell. Breasts and tits. I will probably never be able to figure out why one is profane, and the other is not. That type of censorship annoys me, because I don't see any sort of real, logical need for it, and I like to think I have a fairly logical mind.
However, I harbor a few opinions about censorship that are probably very at-odds with the above statements.
I snapped at my brother, one time, because he was talking to my mother about... I don't know. Taxes. Insurance. Something of that nature. And he said something along the lines of, "Yeah, they're really raping me on that shit."
Raping me.
My head snapped toward him at the speed of light, and I took a good five-to-ten seconds to breathe and calm down before I slowly said, "Excuse me. That's inappropriate." I didn't get a reply. And I didn't really expect one.
I've been very open about my rape, for a variety of reasons. Mainly because I need to be. I need to help other women (and men) who have been raped, but I also feel like I need to be a voice for women who have survived aquaintance-rape, like I have. It's hard to explain, but I've always thought that I could've processed and dealt with my rape a lot easier, had I not known and trusted and loved him the way I did. You just kind of lose a lot of your innocence when you've been raped by your best friend. That is not to say, in any way, that those who have been raped by strangers have it easier than I do. I'm merely musing/reflecting on my own experience and my own thoughts about it, specifically. No one else's.
I digress.
My brother is certainly not the only person I've ever heard say something like that, in that same vein. "Dude, that traffic ticket raped my wallet," or, "I got raped playing Halo," or, "That Physics test really raped me in the ass." That shit is absolutely inexcusable, to me. So am I a hypocrite? Is it wrong for me to be against censorship, while, at the same time, being totally affronted by the (in my opinion) erroneous use of words like "rape?" Is it completely off-base for me to strongly believe that people can find other ways of expressing themselves in situations like that, rather than to use the word rape? I know some of them obviously think they're being edgy, and funny, but I'm a rape-survivor. And I can say right now that it is most certainly not funny to someone who has been raped.
It's along the lines of what I said in my last blog, about word choice and pejorative terms, and to think about whether what you're saying is malicious or celebratory.
And then I have conflict. Because anyone could say the same thing to me. Do I need to swear in order to get my point across? Do I need to be profane to express myself? Do I need to casually use words that offend the sensibilities of others in my day-to-day life?
I think I've figured out what the difference is.
When I say those perceived "swear" words, I'm not sequestering a select group of individuals and using words that add to their inferiority and marginalization in the world.
When I say, "Fuck, it's hot today," I'm not trivializing someone's lived-experiences, the way saying, "Wow, this heat is raping the top of my head today," would. See how easy that was to switch up?
When I say, "That shit is really lame," I'm not adding to the marginalization of an entire lot of people, the way saying, "That was really gay," would. Gee, that one put a bounce in my step, just now, what with its simplicity, and all.
You get the point.
I don't expect anyone to censor themselves around me, and I certainly wouldn't want to dwarf anyone's natural self-expression. I'm not here to police anybody. It may seem like I'm being overly sensitive, but I don't believe I am. Censorship is not what I'm about at all. I believe in speaking your mind, and speaking freely about what's in your spirit, and heart. But I do think there's a difference between what's appropriate and what is not; what people perceive as "offensive" because they're told to be offended by it, that it's perverse and obscene, and what I (and possibly others) perceive as offensive because it actually is offensive, and it does offend me, down to my core, in an assortment of manners.
I can only reiterate this: Think about your word choices. Do you say words like "rape" casually because you're trying to be funny? Or perhaps because your friends use it in such a context? Rape is not funny. Rape is a horrible, terrifying, debilitating, traumatic, life-altering, humiliating, dehumanizing experience for a lot of people in this world, myself included. Please stop mocking and trivializing the experience of being raped. It hurts too much. There are so many other words you could use other than "rape."
If you need a list, I'd be delighted to provide one.
There's a very strange conflict I have with myself when I think about censorship, especially when I view the world under a feminist lens. My last blog got me thinking about it, and I figured that I might as well put my thoughts down here.
Permit me to elaborate.
There's a lot of censorship that really pisses me off. I don't like it when people act like saying "fuck," or whatever, is worse than doing something really horrible, like protesting someone's funeral, or beating someone to a pulp for their sexuality/gender-identity/lifestyle choices/what have you. It's always made me seriously bitter to see (some) Christians who have the audacity to get offended by words that have long been deemed "swear" words, whilst simultaneously banishing half the population of America to hell, for one facet of their existence or another.
To this day, I wonder who decided this. Let's give an example.
Let's take the words "shit," and "crap."
When you say, "Oh, crap!" or, "That's crap," it is safe and acceptable. But when you replace "crap" with "shit," it suddenly becomes profane and displeasing. They both mean virtually the same thing, but, suddenly, using "shit" makes the entire phrase ostentatious. It is suddenly obscene. Why are only certain words this way? I can say some guy caught his penis in his fly, and that's cool, but if I said, "Wow, that guy's cock now has more teeth than Jaws," someone would likely get offended by my pithy choice of phrase. Penis and dick and cock. Vulva and cunt and pussy. Screw and fuck. Darn and damn. Butt and ass. Heck and hell. Breasts and tits. I will probably never be able to figure out why one is profane, and the other is not. That type of censorship annoys me, because I don't see any sort of real, logical need for it, and I like to think I have a fairly logical mind.
However, I harbor a few opinions about censorship that are probably very at-odds with the above statements.
I snapped at my brother, one time, because he was talking to my mother about... I don't know. Taxes. Insurance. Something of that nature. And he said something along the lines of, "Yeah, they're really raping me on that shit."
Raping me.
My head snapped toward him at the speed of light, and I took a good five-to-ten seconds to breathe and calm down before I slowly said, "Excuse me. That's inappropriate." I didn't get a reply. And I didn't really expect one.
I've been very open about my rape, for a variety of reasons. Mainly because I need to be. I need to help other women (and men) who have been raped, but I also feel like I need to be a voice for women who have survived aquaintance-rape, like I have. It's hard to explain, but I've always thought that I could've processed and dealt with my rape a lot easier, had I not known and trusted and loved him the way I did. You just kind of lose a lot of your innocence when you've been raped by your best friend. That is not to say, in any way, that those who have been raped by strangers have it easier than I do. I'm merely musing/reflecting on my own experience and my own thoughts about it, specifically. No one else's.
I digress.
My brother is certainly not the only person I've ever heard say something like that, in that same vein. "Dude, that traffic ticket raped my wallet," or, "I got raped playing Halo," or, "That Physics test really raped me in the ass." That shit is absolutely inexcusable, to me. So am I a hypocrite? Is it wrong for me to be against censorship, while, at the same time, being totally affronted by the (in my opinion) erroneous use of words like "rape?" Is it completely off-base for me to strongly believe that people can find other ways of expressing themselves in situations like that, rather than to use the word rape? I know some of them obviously think they're being edgy, and funny, but I'm a rape-survivor. And I can say right now that it is most certainly not funny to someone who has been raped.
It's along the lines of what I said in my last blog, about word choice and pejorative terms, and to think about whether what you're saying is malicious or celebratory.
And then I have conflict. Because anyone could say the same thing to me. Do I need to swear in order to get my point across? Do I need to be profane to express myself? Do I need to casually use words that offend the sensibilities of others in my day-to-day life?
I think I've figured out what the difference is.
When I say those perceived "swear" words, I'm not sequestering a select group of individuals and using words that add to their inferiority and marginalization in the world.
When I say, "Fuck, it's hot today," I'm not trivializing someone's lived-experiences, the way saying, "Wow, this heat is raping the top of my head today," would. See how easy that was to switch up?
When I say, "That shit is really lame," I'm not adding to the marginalization of an entire lot of people, the way saying, "That was really gay," would. Gee, that one put a bounce in my step, just now, what with its simplicity, and all.
You get the point.
I don't expect anyone to censor themselves around me, and I certainly wouldn't want to dwarf anyone's natural self-expression. I'm not here to police anybody. It may seem like I'm being overly sensitive, but I don't believe I am. Censorship is not what I'm about at all. I believe in speaking your mind, and speaking freely about what's in your spirit, and heart. But I do think there's a difference between what's appropriate and what is not; what people perceive as "offensive" because they're told to be offended by it, that it's perverse and obscene, and what I (and possibly others) perceive as offensive because it actually is offensive, and it does offend me, down to my core, in an assortment of manners.
I can only reiterate this: Think about your word choices. Do you say words like "rape" casually because you're trying to be funny? Or perhaps because your friends use it in such a context? Rape is not funny. Rape is a horrible, terrifying, debilitating, traumatic, life-altering, humiliating, dehumanizing experience for a lot of people in this world, myself included. Please stop mocking and trivializing the experience of being raped. It hurts too much. There are so many other words you could use other than "rape."
If you need a list, I'd be delighted to provide one.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The FaggotCuntBitchSlutDyke Next Door.
"Actions speak louder than words."
Today, my little snarklings, I'd like to talk a little bit about the phenomenon of re-claiming words.
The above adage is something I've thought a lot about. For years, even. And I've come to realize that I completely disagree with it. I will agree that it can be applied to some situations, sometimes, but I could never, ever use it as personal motto, or something.
As a writer, I believe words can do anything. Words have immeasurable power. Words can part lakes, words can put knob-dial TVs on the trunks of elephants, they can enable humans to eat Fritos with their nostrils and time-travel and communicate fluidly with sea monkeys and drive a car with their frickin' feet, words can move mountains, and words can lasso the moon for love. They can conjure up images on the backs of your eyelids, like your own personal movie theater. They can harm you, cut you to your core, they can make you laugh, they can make you feel loved and hated, they can make you hot with anger, they can make you smile, they can excite you and crush your dreams and invoke fear, they can move you to tears, they can sadden you to the point of tears, they can even make you go completely numb and silent, among a multitude of other emotions and other whatnots.
Why do I see the word "faggot" constantly being used so maliciously, and with such alarming frequency, on the Internet? And in everday life, too, you could say. Someone just called me a faggot on a music forum (of all places) for seemingly no reason at all. I bristled. It brought me here. Along with that, I often see "that's gay" used very frequently and casually, as well. And if there's anything I hate as much as casual sexism, it's casual homophobia. Along with casual racism, ableism, cisgenderism, classism, and, well... all manner of ilk and "-isms."
Over the years, I've had a lot of people accuse me of being a hypocrite, because I often identify as a dyke, but I don't like seeing/hearing people calling other people faggots with palpable malicious intent. I have no problem being called a lesbian, either (even though I'm a pansexual-identified lesbian, and I'm cool with being called "queer," too), but I like saying the word "dyke," and it's always felt very empowering to me to identify as such. The only thing I don't think these people understand is that the fashion in which I'm using the word "dyke" is not derogatory, but celebratory, and I would never, ever, ever call someone a dyke who didn't like being called a dyke, or found it offensive, or what have you. I refer to myself as a dyke because I don't believe it's a bad thing to be a dyke.
And that's the difference, darlings. That's the big, big difference.
A few years ago, young and aggressive and full of feminist bravado, I used to identify as a cunt, almost exclusively. I knew no one could ever touch me if I referred to myself as one of the most derogatory terms for women known to humankind, and if I stripped away its negative connotations and re-defined it, for myself, as something positive - a woman who is strong and healthy and confident and unbreakable, instead of a woman who is horrible and naggy and needlessly argumentative and just an overall unsavory character - naturally, I couldn't be offended ever again by anything anyone would ever call me, with intent to harm. I now realize the error of my ways, and I no longer refer to myself as a cunt, but I do still use the word positively, even now, and I will admit that I have fun educating others about its history, and its true meaning.
According to Wikipedia, the phrase "that's gay" has officially come to mean that something is lame, or stupid. Sometimes I just have to sit back and wonder how it came to this. People have said to me, "But lots of words evolve to mean things other than their original meaning. Wicked means 'cool,' whereas it used to mean 'horrible.'"
Yes. However, saying something is "wicked" doesn't isolate a group composed of people who are already oppressed in society, and impede on the universal acceptance of said people. Especially when taking under consideration the fact that, that's what they think of us; to be gay is to be lame and stupid, or just something that you just generally have a distaste for. Not to mention that you have forcibly evolved the phrase to take on such a meaning. Same as faggot, right? It used to mean a bundle of sticks, and is now a derogatory phrase for a gay man. Worse than that, it is a phrase that is used in an attempt to feminize a straight man. And, thus, we come back to the beginning - that the worst insult of all for (cisgendered, straight) men is to be feminized. Called a faggot or a girl.
When I was a little girl, and I heard boys telling other boys to "stop being such a girl," I remember, even then, feeling the sting. Maybe not knowing exactly why, but knowing this: To a boy, being told he's acting like a girl is being told he needs to try harder.
To a girl, hearing a boy telling another boy not to be a girl is hearing that you will never be good enough.
As I said, I don't mind being called, or identifying as, a dyke. Would I be pissed off if a straight person called me a dyke with baleful intentions attached to it? You can bet your sweet, deep-fried ass I would. Because it's not up to the kyriarchy to decide, anymore. It's not up to them to perpetuate the negativity associated with those words. It's not up to them to call someone a bitch, cunt, faggot, slut, dyke, fatass, whore, nigger, et cetera, et cetera, with full intentions of keeping them firmly in the "oppressed" zone.
My reaction to the word "faggot" is wretched and all-too-visceral. If a gay/bisexual/pansexual/queer man wants to re-claim the word faggot and use it to describe himself in a beneficial way, stripping it of its negative connotations, that's his choice, and I have absolutely no problem with that. But for straight (probably closeted) people to have the astonishing, unfathomable gall to use it, not only to offend gay people, but to feminize other straight men in the attempt to insult them to the fullest degree BY using feminization as their method, it just... gets my hackles up. No matter what. Sorry if not everyone thinks you're as HIGH-larious as you do.
It's occurred to me several times in recent days that I am a minority in a variety of ways. Some of them are by choice, some of them are not. I'm a woman, I'm a dyke, I'm a vegan, I'm a witch/Wiccan, I'm an Atheist. I'm also hyper-aware of my privileges, almost to a fault. My white privilege, my able-bodied privilege, my neurotypical privilege, my cisgendered privilege, my working/middle-class privilege... probably others I'm not even remembering, on both ends. I have the tendency to make myself feel guilty about the amount of privilege in my life, because why do I get to be lucky in these ways? I often get angry, and wonder who decides these things. In reality, though, I also realize this - I'm lucky. I was born into this luck, just because of the way things are in our culture. I don't like it this way. But these things are beyond my control. Unlike some of my oppressions, I have no say in any of this, because if I did, I wouldn't have to write blogs like this one.
Furthermore, I don't need to be insulted by the privilege-blind shitheads of the Internet. Neither does anyone else.
All I can ask for is this: Think about what you say before you say it. Think about why you're using these words. Is it to seem cool? Charming? Funny? Unnecessarily mean? Or are you celebrating the individual about whom you speak? Think about who you might be offending and/or oppressing when you do this. Think about your addition to the perpetuation of negative energy in our world, and if that's really the message you want to get across.
Personally, I can take comfort in the fact that love is worlds more powerful than hate.
Today, my little snarklings, I'd like to talk a little bit about the phenomenon of re-claiming words.
The above adage is something I've thought a lot about. For years, even. And I've come to realize that I completely disagree with it. I will agree that it can be applied to some situations, sometimes, but I could never, ever use it as personal motto, or something.
As a writer, I believe words can do anything. Words have immeasurable power. Words can part lakes, words can put knob-dial TVs on the trunks of elephants, they can enable humans to eat Fritos with their nostrils and time-travel and communicate fluidly with sea monkeys and drive a car with their frickin' feet, words can move mountains, and words can lasso the moon for love. They can conjure up images on the backs of your eyelids, like your own personal movie theater. They can harm you, cut you to your core, they can make you laugh, they can make you feel loved and hated, they can make you hot with anger, they can make you smile, they can excite you and crush your dreams and invoke fear, they can move you to tears, they can sadden you to the point of tears, they can even make you go completely numb and silent, among a multitude of other emotions and other whatnots.
Why do I see the word "faggot" constantly being used so maliciously, and with such alarming frequency, on the Internet? And in everday life, too, you could say. Someone just called me a faggot on a music forum (of all places) for seemingly no reason at all. I bristled. It brought me here. Along with that, I often see "that's gay" used very frequently and casually, as well. And if there's anything I hate as much as casual sexism, it's casual homophobia. Along with casual racism, ableism, cisgenderism, classism, and, well... all manner of ilk and "-isms."
Over the years, I've had a lot of people accuse me of being a hypocrite, because I often identify as a dyke, but I don't like seeing/hearing people calling other people faggots with palpable malicious intent. I have no problem being called a lesbian, either (even though I'm a pansexual-identified lesbian, and I'm cool with being called "queer," too), but I like saying the word "dyke," and it's always felt very empowering to me to identify as such. The only thing I don't think these people understand is that the fashion in which I'm using the word "dyke" is not derogatory, but celebratory, and I would never, ever, ever call someone a dyke who didn't like being called a dyke, or found it offensive, or what have you. I refer to myself as a dyke because I don't believe it's a bad thing to be a dyke.
And that's the difference, darlings. That's the big, big difference.
A few years ago, young and aggressive and full of feminist bravado, I used to identify as a cunt, almost exclusively. I knew no one could ever touch me if I referred to myself as one of the most derogatory terms for women known to humankind, and if I stripped away its negative connotations and re-defined it, for myself, as something positive - a woman who is strong and healthy and confident and unbreakable, instead of a woman who is horrible and naggy and needlessly argumentative and just an overall unsavory character - naturally, I couldn't be offended ever again by anything anyone would ever call me, with intent to harm. I now realize the error of my ways, and I no longer refer to myself as a cunt, but I do still use the word positively, even now, and I will admit that I have fun educating others about its history, and its true meaning.
According to Wikipedia, the phrase "that's gay" has officially come to mean that something is lame, or stupid. Sometimes I just have to sit back and wonder how it came to this. People have said to me, "But lots of words evolve to mean things other than their original meaning. Wicked means 'cool,' whereas it used to mean 'horrible.'"
Yes. However, saying something is "wicked" doesn't isolate a group composed of people who are already oppressed in society, and impede on the universal acceptance of said people. Especially when taking under consideration the fact that, that's what they think of us; to be gay is to be lame and stupid, or just something that you just generally have a distaste for. Not to mention that you have forcibly evolved the phrase to take on such a meaning. Same as faggot, right? It used to mean a bundle of sticks, and is now a derogatory phrase for a gay man. Worse than that, it is a phrase that is used in an attempt to feminize a straight man. And, thus, we come back to the beginning - that the worst insult of all for (cisgendered, straight) men is to be feminized. Called a faggot or a girl.
When I was a little girl, and I heard boys telling other boys to "stop being such a girl," I remember, even then, feeling the sting. Maybe not knowing exactly why, but knowing this: To a boy, being told he's acting like a girl is being told he needs to try harder.
To a girl, hearing a boy telling another boy not to be a girl is hearing that you will never be good enough.
As I said, I don't mind being called, or identifying as, a dyke. Would I be pissed off if a straight person called me a dyke with baleful intentions attached to it? You can bet your sweet, deep-fried ass I would. Because it's not up to the kyriarchy to decide, anymore. It's not up to them to perpetuate the negativity associated with those words. It's not up to them to call someone a bitch, cunt, faggot, slut, dyke, fatass, whore, nigger, et cetera, et cetera, with full intentions of keeping them firmly in the "oppressed" zone.
My reaction to the word "faggot" is wretched and all-too-visceral. If a gay/bisexual/pansexual/queer man wants to re-claim the word faggot and use it to describe himself in a beneficial way, stripping it of its negative connotations, that's his choice, and I have absolutely no problem with that. But for straight (probably closeted) people to have the astonishing, unfathomable gall to use it, not only to offend gay people, but to feminize other straight men in the attempt to insult them to the fullest degree BY using feminization as their method, it just... gets my hackles up. No matter what. Sorry if not everyone thinks you're as HIGH-larious as you do.
It's occurred to me several times in recent days that I am a minority in a variety of ways. Some of them are by choice, some of them are not. I'm a woman, I'm a dyke, I'm a vegan, I'm a witch/Wiccan, I'm an Atheist. I'm also hyper-aware of my privileges, almost to a fault. My white privilege, my able-bodied privilege, my neurotypical privilege, my cisgendered privilege, my working/middle-class privilege... probably others I'm not even remembering, on both ends. I have the tendency to make myself feel guilty about the amount of privilege in my life, because why do I get to be lucky in these ways? I often get angry, and wonder who decides these things. In reality, though, I also realize this - I'm lucky. I was born into this luck, just because of the way things are in our culture. I don't like it this way. But these things are beyond my control. Unlike some of my oppressions, I have no say in any of this, because if I did, I wouldn't have to write blogs like this one.
Furthermore, I don't need to be insulted by the privilege-blind shitheads of the Internet. Neither does anyone else.
All I can ask for is this: Think about what you say before you say it. Think about why you're using these words. Is it to seem cool? Charming? Funny? Unnecessarily mean? Or are you celebrating the individual about whom you speak? Think about who you might be offending and/or oppressing when you do this. Think about your addition to the perpetuation of negative energy in our world, and if that's really the message you want to get across.
Personally, I can take comfort in the fact that love is worlds more powerful than hate.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Whiny-Ass Feminist Next Door.
Since I started this blog, I do think I've done a fairly good job with confining the topics of this blog to the subject at hand - feminism and/or equalism, and I've definitely tried to keep the topics interesting and give my readers (if I even have any) a colorful array of diverse topics and personal opinions to mull over. However, at the end of the day, this is still my blog, and as I stated from the beginning: I reserve the right to whine when I need to whine. Today, I need to whine.
So, in lieu of this, we're going to play a little game called "Let's Talk About Me Now."
I'm going to be talking a little bit about my girlfriend, but for the sake of identity-protection, we'll go ahead and refer to her as "Corinne" for this blog. As for my boyfriend, we'll call him "Oliver" today.
As I've mentioned before - but will again, for clarity's sake - I'm a lesbian, but I like to identify as pan/omnisexual, or simply "queer," if I don't feel like explaining what pansexuality is. Basically, primarily, I'm interested in romantic, sexual, and emotional involvement with cis-women. However, because I feel, for me personally, that it's rude, unfair, and marginalizing to confine love to one sex or gender-identity, I'm open to loving/dating anyone, regardless of sex or gender-identity. This means that I'm comfortable having relationships with cis-men, and trannies, and genderqueers, and intersex individuals, and... well, anyone else, with any sexual or gender-identity. I'm not allowed to tell people how to identify, and I'm not allowed to dwarf anyone's identity or disregard their gender-fluidity. Gender is a mental-construct that can be expressed in countless, countless ways. And I'm certainly not going to place limitations on something that's meant to be beautiful and boundless; love.
So, Corinne came upon the realization recently that, in this area, she's like I am; a lesbian who identifies as queer. She recently came out to her mom, and it didn't go very well. Out of deference to her, I'm going to leave out the gory details, but something her mother said to has been reeeeealllllly bothering me, since she told me about it. Corinne's mother told her that she was being disrespectful to gay people who have come before her, who fought for the sexual freedom we now have, because she's identifying as a lesbian whilst still having a boyfriend (we're poly, to be clear; she's polyamorous, and I'm polyfidelitous in the sense that I don't date other people outside of Oliver and Corinne).
Ever since then, I've felt really guilty.
When I began having a relationship with Oliver, I'll admit that I felt like my sense of self got skewed, slightly. I hadn't had a boyfriend since high school, when I was still slightly confused and thought I was bisexual, and I hadn't really intended on having another boyfriend, because, as I mentioned, in my mental-forefront, I am a lesbian. I soon realized that it was senseless to dwell on the fact that he's a cis-man, because that's exactly why I'm pansexual - because I want to be open to loving anyone, because everyone deserves to have the opportunity to be loved, love is as free and boundless as my spirit. However, my pansexuality is still a choice. My lesbianism is not. So it took a little time for me to adjust, mentally, to dating Oliver, but I was easily able to thrust all of those notions out of my head when I remembered that I didn't fall in love with him because of what he is, but who he is, on the inside.
What makes me feel guilty, is the fact that I have an open-minded, progressive parent, who will never judge me, or accuse me baselessly of being disrespectful to anyone based on who I love, and who will always love me, no matter what happens with my love life. It makes me feel guilty that I'm... lucky, if that makes sense. That I never have to face the opposition that Corinne is currently facing with her mom. It makes me feel guilty that I have the privilege of having a true save haven in a parent like that.
And now... I just don't know how to alleviate that guilt.
So, in lieu of this, we're going to play a little game called "Let's Talk About Me Now."
I'm going to be talking a little bit about my girlfriend, but for the sake of identity-protection, we'll go ahead and refer to her as "Corinne" for this blog. As for my boyfriend, we'll call him "Oliver" today.
As I've mentioned before - but will again, for clarity's sake - I'm a lesbian, but I like to identify as pan/omnisexual, or simply "queer," if I don't feel like explaining what pansexuality is. Basically, primarily, I'm interested in romantic, sexual, and emotional involvement with cis-women. However, because I feel, for me personally, that it's rude, unfair, and marginalizing to confine love to one sex or gender-identity, I'm open to loving/dating anyone, regardless of sex or gender-identity. This means that I'm comfortable having relationships with cis-men, and trannies, and genderqueers, and intersex individuals, and... well, anyone else, with any sexual or gender-identity. I'm not allowed to tell people how to identify, and I'm not allowed to dwarf anyone's identity or disregard their gender-fluidity. Gender is a mental-construct that can be expressed in countless, countless ways. And I'm certainly not going to place limitations on something that's meant to be beautiful and boundless; love.
So, Corinne came upon the realization recently that, in this area, she's like I am; a lesbian who identifies as queer. She recently came out to her mom, and it didn't go very well. Out of deference to her, I'm going to leave out the gory details, but something her mother said to has been reeeeealllllly bothering me, since she told me about it. Corinne's mother told her that she was being disrespectful to gay people who have come before her, who fought for the sexual freedom we now have, because she's identifying as a lesbian whilst still having a boyfriend (we're poly, to be clear; she's polyamorous, and I'm polyfidelitous in the sense that I don't date other people outside of Oliver and Corinne).
Ever since then, I've felt really guilty.
When I began having a relationship with Oliver, I'll admit that I felt like my sense of self got skewed, slightly. I hadn't had a boyfriend since high school, when I was still slightly confused and thought I was bisexual, and I hadn't really intended on having another boyfriend, because, as I mentioned, in my mental-forefront, I am a lesbian. I soon realized that it was senseless to dwell on the fact that he's a cis-man, because that's exactly why I'm pansexual - because I want to be open to loving anyone, because everyone deserves to have the opportunity to be loved, love is as free and boundless as my spirit. However, my pansexuality is still a choice. My lesbianism is not. So it took a little time for me to adjust, mentally, to dating Oliver, but I was easily able to thrust all of those notions out of my head when I remembered that I didn't fall in love with him because of what he is, but who he is, on the inside.
What makes me feel guilty, is the fact that I have an open-minded, progressive parent, who will never judge me, or accuse me baselessly of being disrespectful to anyone based on who I love, and who will always love me, no matter what happens with my love life. It makes me feel guilty that I'm... lucky, if that makes sense. That I never have to face the opposition that Corinne is currently facing with her mom. It makes me feel guilty that I have the privilege of having a true save haven in a parent like that.
And now... I just don't know how to alleviate that guilt.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The "Sex For One" Study Next Door.
Oh, blog. It has certainly been a while.
Today, I'd like to briefly discuss pro-sex feminism, and a study I would like to conduct related to it, which I would eventually like to compile into a non-fiction book, with my own thoughts and opinions on the matter, as well as the opinions and thoughts of other pro-sex feminists.
But I'm jumping the gun a little, here.
A little background.
Second-wave feminism was very anti-sex, and that leg of the movement is somewhat responsible for the labeling of modern feminists as prudes today, but the simple fact of the matter is that this couldn't be further from the truth. I know there are still feminists today who are very anti-sex, anti-prostitution, and anti-pornography, but I do believe that the pro-sex feminist movement is much, much more prevalent today than the anti-sex one is. I have every reason to believe that anti-sex "feminism" is slowly dying off. I foresee a more in-depth blog in the future about sex-positive feminism soon. For now, I'll just say a few things.
I consider myself a pro-sex/sex-positive feminist. After I came to terms with being raped this year, I will admit that my personal attitudes toward sex have changed a lot (I have no interest in engaging in casual sex, for instance). My overall opinions on the ways in which people conduct their sex lives, however, have not. In a nutshell, it's this - stop judging people based on what they do in bed. It's none of your concern. If you don't like the idea of casual sex, that's great - for you. But if another woman DOES engage in casual sex, you have no right to call her a slut, or judge her for being promiscuous, or paint her as a bad person, while painting yourself as a good person for not taking that route. People are people. They're going to do what they're going to do, and they are entitled to live their lives the way they see fit. A woman should never be judged, called names, branded as a slut, or otherwise demonized for having her own set of sexual priorities. And don't even get me started on sex-workers and porn. That's definitely, deeeeefinitely another blog.
That said, the study I want to conduct isn't about sex, per se, but, rather, human masturbation habits.
We live in a world where masturbation is still incredibly taboo, and, honestly, I fail to see why that is. Well, actually, I know exactly why that is: It's long been demonized by religion and its rigid moral codes. Masturbation is one of the first things most people do sexually, and as soon as we begin to figure out what it is, it turns into a source of shame, because we're told how wrong, or immoral, or evil, or disgusting it is. Then, we get embarrassed to talk about it. We stop embracing it. We feel humiliated when it comes up. Yet we ALL do it, or have done it, at one point or another. I doubt there's any one person who has never done it, or never will.
Besides being the ultimate safe sex, it's incredibly healthy to masturbate. It teaches you how to be more in-tune with your body, your sexual likes and dislikes, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, techniques you like, techniques you don't like, and a long list of other things. Not to mention, it's a wonderful, natural stress reliever - all that icky stuff and stress and tension is released when we have an orgasm, which is why we sometimes feel a lot lighter and happier after we do.
I want to interview people from all walks of life for this. I want to talk to people of all ages (no one under the legal age of consent, though - not willing to get arrested in the pursuit of satisfying my curiosities), all racial backgrounds, all religious affiliations, all gender-identities, all sexual orientations, and people of both monogamous and poly lifestyles, even all nationalities, if I can find people of other nationalities in America, among other differing attributes. I want to ask about techniques used, duration, frequency (once a day, twice a week, once a month, etc.), and my boyfriend brought up a valid point about circumcision, too, which I thought was fabulous, as I know it can affect technique (I'd also love to have a conversation with anyone who has fallen victim to female circumcision, actually, because I'm insanely curious as to how it can affect one's sex life, but especially masturbation technique, in the interest of the study). Which also makes me question whether or not I should ask women if they have vaginal orgasms, clitoral orgasms, both, or none at all. (Which is a such a crime!)
The idea was spawned from a conversation I was having with my girlfriend about differing masturbation habits among the people we've known. I've known women who have used toothpaste, electrical toothbrushes, hairbrushes, broom handles, even scissor handles (!), along with the vast array of sex toys available in sex shops, among many other techniques that I'm probably not even remembering. I've known men who have progressed to the point of gripping so tightly during masturbation that they can't have an orgasm during actual sex, who would lie face-down and knuckle their shafts, who have also used toys and prostate stimulation, and various other techniques, as well.
I'd be more than willing to share my masturbation habits with anyone who is uncomfortable talking about it, because I don't feel ashamed of doing it. I don't think ANYONE should feel ashamed of doing it. I even think it's sad that people DO still feel ashamed of doing it. I think it's criminal that there are people who are so ashamed of doing it, that they don't do it. Why is it that most of us can do it, but we're supposed to feel ashamed of talking about it? We all eat, too, but no one is ashamed of talking about this new recipe they just whipped up, or this awesome restaurant they went to last Friday, or their favorite show on the Food Network, or this incredible cake they just wolfed down not ten minutes ago.
I really want to conduct the study of various human masturbation habits in the interest of science. It's not meant to be dirty, or crude, or voyeuristic, or perverted. The point of this is not to make anyone feel embarrassed, or that their privacy is being invaded. I'll be more than willing to let people remain anonymous if they wish. I expect to get cursed at, yelled at, and I expect people to refuse to talk about it. But the point of this is to engage conversation about it, and prompt further discussion. To test social- and religious-boundaries. To break the taboo. To cast away the stigma. To put an end to the shame we're all conditioned to feel about it. To embrace, and love, self-love.
If anyone out there is interested in participating, please feel free to contact me and let me know. Or, if you're a pro-sex/sex-positive feminist and would like to contribute your thoughts (with full credit, of course), or if you have any questions about pro-sex feminism, masturbation, or anything else related to any of these subjects I've covered, you can email me at RavenByDay@aol.com.
Today, I'd like to briefly discuss pro-sex feminism, and a study I would like to conduct related to it, which I would eventually like to compile into a non-fiction book, with my own thoughts and opinions on the matter, as well as the opinions and thoughts of other pro-sex feminists.
But I'm jumping the gun a little, here.
A little background.
Second-wave feminism was very anti-sex, and that leg of the movement is somewhat responsible for the labeling of modern feminists as prudes today, but the simple fact of the matter is that this couldn't be further from the truth. I know there are still feminists today who are very anti-sex, anti-prostitution, and anti-pornography, but I do believe that the pro-sex feminist movement is much, much more prevalent today than the anti-sex one is. I have every reason to believe that anti-sex "feminism" is slowly dying off. I foresee a more in-depth blog in the future about sex-positive feminism soon. For now, I'll just say a few things.
I consider myself a pro-sex/sex-positive feminist. After I came to terms with being raped this year, I will admit that my personal attitudes toward sex have changed a lot (I have no interest in engaging in casual sex, for instance). My overall opinions on the ways in which people conduct their sex lives, however, have not. In a nutshell, it's this - stop judging people based on what they do in bed. It's none of your concern. If you don't like the idea of casual sex, that's great - for you. But if another woman DOES engage in casual sex, you have no right to call her a slut, or judge her for being promiscuous, or paint her as a bad person, while painting yourself as a good person for not taking that route. People are people. They're going to do what they're going to do, and they are entitled to live their lives the way they see fit. A woman should never be judged, called names, branded as a slut, or otherwise demonized for having her own set of sexual priorities. And don't even get me started on sex-workers and porn. That's definitely, deeeeefinitely another blog.
That said, the study I want to conduct isn't about sex, per se, but, rather, human masturbation habits.
We live in a world where masturbation is still incredibly taboo, and, honestly, I fail to see why that is. Well, actually, I know exactly why that is: It's long been demonized by religion and its rigid moral codes. Masturbation is one of the first things most people do sexually, and as soon as we begin to figure out what it is, it turns into a source of shame, because we're told how wrong, or immoral, or evil, or disgusting it is. Then, we get embarrassed to talk about it. We stop embracing it. We feel humiliated when it comes up. Yet we ALL do it, or have done it, at one point or another. I doubt there's any one person who has never done it, or never will.
Besides being the ultimate safe sex, it's incredibly healthy to masturbate. It teaches you how to be more in-tune with your body, your sexual likes and dislikes, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, techniques you like, techniques you don't like, and a long list of other things. Not to mention, it's a wonderful, natural stress reliever - all that icky stuff and stress and tension is released when we have an orgasm, which is why we sometimes feel a lot lighter and happier after we do.
I want to interview people from all walks of life for this. I want to talk to people of all ages (no one under the legal age of consent, though - not willing to get arrested in the pursuit of satisfying my curiosities), all racial backgrounds, all religious affiliations, all gender-identities, all sexual orientations, and people of both monogamous and poly lifestyles, even all nationalities, if I can find people of other nationalities in America, among other differing attributes. I want to ask about techniques used, duration, frequency (once a day, twice a week, once a month, etc.), and my boyfriend brought up a valid point about circumcision, too, which I thought was fabulous, as I know it can affect technique (I'd also love to have a conversation with anyone who has fallen victim to female circumcision, actually, because I'm insanely curious as to how it can affect one's sex life, but especially masturbation technique, in the interest of the study). Which also makes me question whether or not I should ask women if they have vaginal orgasms, clitoral orgasms, both, or none at all. (Which is a such a crime!)
The idea was spawned from a conversation I was having with my girlfriend about differing masturbation habits among the people we've known. I've known women who have used toothpaste, electrical toothbrushes, hairbrushes, broom handles, even scissor handles (!), along with the vast array of sex toys available in sex shops, among many other techniques that I'm probably not even remembering. I've known men who have progressed to the point of gripping so tightly during masturbation that they can't have an orgasm during actual sex, who would lie face-down and knuckle their shafts, who have also used toys and prostate stimulation, and various other techniques, as well.
I'd be more than willing to share my masturbation habits with anyone who is uncomfortable talking about it, because I don't feel ashamed of doing it. I don't think ANYONE should feel ashamed of doing it. I even think it's sad that people DO still feel ashamed of doing it. I think it's criminal that there are people who are so ashamed of doing it, that they don't do it. Why is it that most of us can do it, but we're supposed to feel ashamed of talking about it? We all eat, too, but no one is ashamed of talking about this new recipe they just whipped up, or this awesome restaurant they went to last Friday, or their favorite show on the Food Network, or this incredible cake they just wolfed down not ten minutes ago.
I really want to conduct the study of various human masturbation habits in the interest of science. It's not meant to be dirty, or crude, or voyeuristic, or perverted. The point of this is not to make anyone feel embarrassed, or that their privacy is being invaded. I'll be more than willing to let people remain anonymous if they wish. I expect to get cursed at, yelled at, and I expect people to refuse to talk about it. But the point of this is to engage conversation about it, and prompt further discussion. To test social- and religious-boundaries. To break the taboo. To cast away the stigma. To put an end to the shame we're all conditioned to feel about it. To embrace, and love, self-love.
If anyone out there is interested in participating, please feel free to contact me and let me know. Or, if you're a pro-sex/sex-positive feminist and would like to contribute your thoughts (with full credit, of course), or if you have any questions about pro-sex feminism, masturbation, or anything else related to any of these subjects I've covered, you can email me at RavenByDay@aol.com.
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