The Ceaselessly Loaded Question Next Door.

*Note: I will be speaking mainly about heterosexual, cisgendered men for this.


Of course, it's no secret that I'm a sex-positive feminist. Today, I'd like to discuss a topic that is sex-related.

How many times in your life have you been asked, "Does size matter?"

I know that, in a lot of my blogs, I write a lot about my lesbianism and gay rights and the queer community, and whatnot, but I didn't always know for sure that I was totally gay. And I dated a few guys in my time, when I used to identify as bisexual. Not a single one of them didn't ask me some variation of that question posed above, or at least allude to it, in one way or another, implying that they wanted an honest answer.

Why are cis-men so obsessed with size? That is the age-old question. That is a question I've always wanted an honest answer to (and I think it's much more interesting/thought-provoking than whether or not size matters, frankly). It seems, in my experience, that men are more concerned with the size of their dicks than any women I've ever known are.

My ex-boyfriend let insecurities about his size not only interfere with his personal life and his perception of himself and his masculinity overall, but he even allowed all of that to put a damper on our sex life, all because he was so dissatisfied with his penis size. On several occasions, he even went so far as to apologize to me about it, like he'd done something wrong and hurt or offended me, all just because of his size. No matter how many times I tried to reassure him that there was nothing to be worried about, that he was stressing for no reason, that things were groovy as can be, he just flat-out refused to believe me. He insisted that I was just saying that because I loved him (what an asshole that'd make me), and projected onto me his own dissatisfaction with his size.

I can't even tell you how frustrating something like that can be, especially since I was definitely being sincere. I've even been known to say that I prefer it when they're on the smaller side (which is still true; I don't do big vibrators, either), but, still, it was fruitless in alleviating his doubt. As a fairly petite woman who is small in stature, I can definitely say that larger penises generally just tend to feel very uncomfortable and painful to me, or possibly even just to women with a similar body-type. There's pretty much no pain like having someone slam repeatedly into your cervix, while simultaneously being blissfully unaware of the blinding white-hot pain they're causing you.

How's that for a cis-female perspective on cock-size?

The simple truth is, gentlemen, that most women don't care about size. Or, if they do, they don't care about it in the way that you might think they do; I think more women agree with me on the size issue than with most men, who are obsessed with being larger. Believe me when I say this: It means a lot more to you than it does to her. The average penis size for an adult male is between five and five-and-a-half inches. The average depth of an adult female is about four to five inches. We are made to procreate, and we are made to fit together. Ergo, while a lot of men are worrying about their size, they are likely not considering the fact that an abnormally large penis could possibly be not only detrimental to their sex life as a whole, but dangerous for their partner. You could hurt her! You could tear her perineum, you could make her bleed, you could hinder her ability to reach orgasm because of her discomfort, and, overall, it just ends up being an ungratifying experience.

Women just simply don't go around searching for guys with huge dicks. That's not how it works, and I have to believe, deep down, that most men realize that. It's not a requirement for anybody. I ask men to think about it a little bit, from the flip-side: When you're confronted with sex with a woman, do you really care all that much about the size of her breasts? Whether or not her pussy is super-tight? If she has a huge ass, a tiny waist, the "ideal" hourglass figure? No. Not particularly. Because if you like her, and you're going to sleep with her, you're just glad to be taking part in it, and you can appreciate her for the beautiful body that she has, and enjoy yourself (while, hopefully, making sure she enjoys herself, too).

So why do you think she can't do the same?

I have a lot of thoughts about this. I could attribute it to the status of the male figure in society, and the fact that the male body and its penis is a symbol of power and dominance. Bigger is, naturally, better, right? It's a deeply-rooted, socially-ingrained thought-process.

Perhaps they've just watched way too much porn, and began to think that's how sex really is; that women scream unnecessarily loud and can effortlessly deep-throat a ten-inch rod of man-meat and lap up semen like it's hot fudge. (Hint: That's not how sex really is, and you'd be extremely surprised at how much porn is just good, ol'-fashioned camera tricks and other illusions; most of the "semen" in porn movies is just marzipan and water!)

And maybe, just maybe, some of these men have heard a very select few women discussing size, and heard them express a preference for larger penises, and carried that with them, dwelled on it, and started to beat themselves up about it.

Do not, under any circumstances, use those "male-enhancement" pills, creams, pumps, or anything else that is "guaranteed" to increase your size. Of all of these supposedly "clincal" methods, ZERO have been proven or verified as having even a modicum of effect! Please spare yourself the disappointment. Don't waste your time, money, or energy on things like that; especially when they could really just end up hurting you and damaging your health in some way.

Please don't waste your money on a penile extension/implant, either. They're not attractive, they are uncomfortable, they are unrealistic, and you are taking a serious risk in potentially losing your ability to function sexually.

Conclusively, I can only offer one final piece of advice: Be satisfied with your body, just the way it is, including your penis. Masculine is not what you're trying to be; it's what you are. Body-hate and body-negativity never accomplishes much, except perhaps damaging your self-esteem, and hindering your sexual freedom. Maybe permanently. Pertaining to the matter of size, I can guarantee you that you are most certainly your harshest critic. I am not a sex-expert, nor am I a psychologist, nor do I have the most sexual experience of all the people I know, but I can say that I've had enough sex to know this: Lovemaking is not about size. Your propensity to satisfy your partner, and your worth as a sexual being, is not determined by holding a ruler up against your shaft and seeing a double-digit, or even one crawling toward that side of the spectrum. It's about listening to your partner when they tell you what they do and do not like, and your willingness and enthusiasm for meeting their needs, whatever they happen to be. Sex is about mutual pleasure and satisfaction, fun, and, depending on your view of sex, love and trust. It is not a competition, it is not a power-struggle, and it is not a time to criticize and scrutinize every self-perceived flaw about your body, or your partner's. It's a time to celebrate each other. It's only about appreciation.

So let yourself appreciate it.