The Accidental Heterophobe Next Door.

Because of the last few posts I've written here where I've discussed sexuality quite a bit, my boyfriend pointed out to me that I seem to always speak of straight people with a note of hatred and overwhelming anger in the overall tone of my words. And that just kind of inspired me; made me consider the fact that there is a possibility that I may seem like I'm attacking straight people, which I never wanted to do, and I never wanted to use that as some kind of a default "go-to" crutch for getting my point across, or placing blame.

I prefer to think of my apparently ostensible "rage" as deep passion for what I believe in. I will admit that I may get overly passionate sometimes, and I may use angry words, but that's only because I'm a deeply emotional person, who takes a lot of issue with all types and forms of marginalization. Homophobia is a type of marginalization that happens to affect my life directly, so, naturally, I'm going to rant about it from time to time. After all, this IS my blog, and I am a gay woman, and this is MY outlet for ME to discuss those things I see as unjust and immoral, or to simply rid my spirit of things that are making me feel icky or upset or angry. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me. In fact, I welcome dissent. If you think I'm saying something that's totally off-base, or that may seem wrongly hateful or biased or spiteful, or even something that makes it seem as though I'm exercising my privileges while marginalizing others for disadvantages, please tell me. I'm not here to HATE anyone; equality is what I WANT, and what I'm trying to strive and advocate for. I'm here to educate and shine a light on MY perspective. I know my ideas are radical, but it's still my right to voice those ideas.

I don't hate straight people - some of the most important people in my life are straight, of which my mom and older brother are merely two. I don't have a problem with straight people at all. I have a problem with institutional homophobia and all forms of mindless bigotry, and the reason I often associate heterosexuals with institutional homophobia and mindless bigotry is because they're the ones who have the pull in broader society to keep LGBTQI folks oppressed, and many of them take advantage of that opportunity on a regular and often public and widespread basis.

However, I, under no circumstances, ever meant to imply that straight people are the source of ALL of the LGBTQI community's problems. So, if I did, and I might have offended anyone out there who's reading this (...is anyone reading this?), I do take responsibility for it, and I do apologize for it.

That being said, I also never wanted to imply that the LGBTQI community doesn't have its own problems in and of itself, with regard to overall structure and focus and whatnot, and there are plenty of people within the queer community who hold us back all the time.

Has anyone out there ever run into someone who identifies as gay, bisexual, transgendered, et cetera, et cetera (basically, anything BUT straight; thus, in the sexual-identity minority), but they're a total homophobe? Because I've met SEVERAL people like that. It's always really confusing when I meet gay men who are butch/masculine-presenting and it's almost like... they're ashamed to be around the femmes. Like they'd honestly rather mask their sexuality and hang around straight guys, pretending to like pussy, than to be associated or even seen with the effeminate gay men.

The thing that bothers me about this is that I think feminine gay guys are pretty much the backbone of the LGBTQI community. I've met some effeminate bisexual guys, too, and I think they contribute largely to said backbone. And the wonderful thing about effeminate gay men is that they're not concealing their sexuality; they're what people recognize (and NOT because they're a stereotype; I'm not talking in stereotypes, here), and they're the ones who are probably going to be the people who help the rights movements progress, because, since they're not afraid or ashamed of BEING gay, they're not going to be afraid or ashamed to fight openly and unapologetically for gay rights. After all; it was drag queens at Stonewall. And they're fine with it; they're open and obvious and totally fine with people knowing they're gay. That's not to say that I THINK they should be representative of all gay men, but until some of the more masculine-presenting men are comfortable with their sexuality enough to be in the presence of femmes without acting like they're ashamed, and coming out to their straight friends, that's all the straight world will recognize when they see or conjure up an image of gay people. I think feminine men - whether they're gay/bi/pansexual (speaking specifically of cisgendered, non-heterosexual men) or not - are some of the bravest people on the green Earth, especially considering patriarchy's idea of what it means to be a man.

I think we can all agree that traditional/conventional expressions of masculinity are certainly not what make someone a man.

I'm not trying to imply that it's wrong to be a masculine gay man. It's only wrong to be masculine while being ashamed of the femmes and being insecure with yourself and your sexuality because of them, accusing them of holding the gay community back in terms of the straight world, and hating them just because they express themselves differently than you do. It's not wrong to be closeted, either, but it's still wrong to act like people who aren't closeted are bad people, or that people who are obvious are bad people. After all, no one acts like very masculine straight guys are bad people because they're "too masculine" or "too obviously straight."

Please also note that most of these gay men who act this way are not totally closeted. They even act this way in gay bars and clubs. How do I know? Well, that'd be because I've BEEN to gay bars. And I've seen it. I've even seen it at Pride. How's that for being proud of our sexual freedom?

These issues aren't exclusive to gay men, though. These behaviors are popular between lesbians and queer women, too, and I actually know this from first-hand experience, as an extremely femme lesbian. Over the years that I've been out of the closet, several butch lesbians have implied that they... pretty much don't believe me. They don't believe I'm gay because I'm very feminine-presenting, and, thus, I have to actually PROVE that I like women, as if wearing men's clothing is what makes someone a lesbian, instead of the things that REALLY make someone a lesbian, like loving women, having romantic relationships with them, having sexual relationships with them, and all the rest of the things people do when they have romantic inclinations toward a person. And what really chaps my hide about that is that, when it comes to relationship dynamics, a LOT of butches will admit that they have an overwhelming preference for femmes. Even I'll admit that my attractions generally lean toward the gals who are on the butch/androgynous side. And I'm not sure why that is; I think we're all still socially-conditioned to think that, even though we're gay, we still kind of NEED the masculine-feminine/heteronormative dynamic in our relationships, to lend some sort of structure and balance to them, or something.

Even in straight relationships, I've seen two people together who are both kind of submissive, meek people, and the relationship sort of tends to fall apart, and I've seen two people who are both rather domineering, and I've seen those relationships take an abusive turn. I'm not really trying to generalize; I'm sure those types of relationships where the dynamics are between two submissive people or two dominant people can be perfectly healthy and happy. I'm only relaying my personal observations and experiences. And, after all - we all know some men who are very masculine-presenting and they are very shy, meek, sensitive people, and some women who are very feminine, but they are quite headstrong and stubborn and dominant. So I think that sort of thing truly is determined on an individual-to-individual basis.

The other thing I see a lot of is a ridiculous amount of biphobia within the LGBTQI community. I am not sure when this started, but I do know that it's something that has always bothered me, especially since I've been noticing it for a long time; even back when I used to identify as bisexual. A lot of gay people discriminate against bisexuals in the most horrid, unfair ways. I've seen several gay women state that they would "never, ever date a bi girl," or that bisexuality is literally just like sitting on the top of a fence post until you decide which side you'd like to jump down onto. And that's just... inconceivable to me, how someone could even say something like that. Gay people are some of the most discriminated-against people in the world, and you actually have the astonishing, unfathomable gall to write bisexuality off as an invalid orientation?

I'm definitely not saying there AREN'T fake-bisexuals. In fact, I know there are; I've met some. It's become trendy and "cool" to say you're bisexual now, and for some reason, it seems to be more trendy among women than it is among men. Probably because it's easier for women to be accepted as bi, as men always have to worry about the looming threat of being feminized. I've even known men who really ARE bi but wouldn't come out to anyone (except me, because for some reason, EVERYONE comes out to me, eventually).

What it boils down to is this - whether or not someone is truly bisexual, they're a "trendy bisexual," they're using bisexuality as a crutch for their eventual coming out as gay or for their "test-period" to figure out that they're straight, or they simply appreciate beauty where they see it, we HAVE to remember that when you're dealing with someone who identifies as bisexual, you're dealing with a real person, with real feelings, and who deserves our acceptance, just like everyone else. And here's something else to consider, fellow homos - even if someone who identifies as bi isn't really, truly bisexual, they're still on our side, they're open to our lifestyle, and will likely fight for our rights. We need to extend the same courtesy to them, and be willing to fight for theirs.

We can't expect the straight world to accept us when we won't even accept each other. Whether it's masculine gay men being ashamed of feminine gay men, butch lesbians acting as if feminine lesbians aren't REAL lesbians, or gay people as a collective writing off bisexuality as an invalid sexual orientation, it's not going to work. We'll never get anywhere if we're sniping at each other within the community. We will fall APART if we do that. Fast.

For some people, sexuality is fluid and ever-changing. For others, sexuality is something innate; it's just who you are, and those feelings simply do come naturally to you. Either way, it's YOUR life and YOU are the only person who can decide and define your sexuality for yourself. And whether you're gay, straight, bisexual, queer, pansexual, asexual, celibate, questioning, transgendered, transsexual, genderqueer, intersex, or something else entirely, there is only one ultimate reality:

Love is love. And no one should ever hate love.