Feminism, back in the first- and second-wave eras, WAS just about that; the Women's Liberation Movement and the burning of the bras and all that good stuff. I prefer to call it the White Women's Movement, because, to me, at least, it seems that it only benefited white women; certainly not women of color, though the great Angela Davis definitely made her dissent known for that.
Modern, third-wave feminism isn't just about women's equality, but advocating equality for ALL marginalized, oppressed peoples; women, and LGBTQI individuals, and disabled individuals, and poverty-stricken individuals, and many, many others.
Today, I'd like to talk about personal identity, gender-identity, sexual-identity, and why it's important for everyone to keep an open mind where other peoples' identities are concerned.
I always feel strange when someone comes into my life from the outside, so to speak, and disrupts my comfort about who I am and this place that I've reached in my own personal identity through the long journey that my life has been. I have an amazing group of people in my life who are open-minded and accept me for who I am, without questioning me or attempting to brand me with certain labels that they've conjured up in their minds, whether it be from good, old-fashioned ignorance or social-convention or... well, whatever; ones that fit in tidy little boxes. Of course, I see this sort of thing on a wider scale every day; the outright hatred of gay and lesbian individuals, the complete marginalization of transgendered, transsexual, bisexual, pansexual, questioning, intersex, asexual, and genderqueer individuals (among others, I'm sure), the widespread hatred of women, the social invisibility that exists for disabled folks... it's all there, in front of me, every day. And I get absolutely outraged. And it's easy to get outraged when it's someone you don't know, but your reaction is still all-too-visceral. I can't help it; it's who I am.
When it's someone you DO know, your outrage is blended with a hearty dose of sadness.
This has been bothering me for a while now. Someone I used to know recently contacted me, and, to make a long story short, I didn't want them in my life because they displayed blatant homophobia in my presence... without knowing about my sexuality.
It's not that I was in the closet. I just never really had an opportunity or a reason to say it, and this was at a time in my life where I was afraid for my safety. So, I wasn't necessarily in the closet, but I wasn't forthright about it, either, and since it never came up, I never said anything. I haven't really been in the closet since I was about 14 - my first semi-serious relationship was with a girl a year or two older than me. Point being - I've always liked women. I've always KNOWN I liked women. The physical attraction to women, for me, was always much stronger than the physical attraction I harbored for any men I knew. I've had sex with women, and I've had sex with men, and I always seem to have a heightened level of excitement and enjoy sex a lot more when I'm with a woman.
Emotional attachment is a different thing.
There have been a few men I've really loved. When you love someone, it's easy to look past the shell and see the glowing pearl within. I am, for all intents and purposes, a dyke. I even identify as a dyke... a pansexual-dyke. Pansexual because it simply seems ludicrous for me to say it's impossible for me to fall in love with someone because of their sex or gender-identity. Dyke because... well, that one's rather self-explanatory.
So, then. Does it seem appropriate for someone - someone other than myself - to define my sexual orientation as bisexual because I happen to be in a romantic relationship with a person who identifies as a cisgendered man?
I'm not bisexual. It's fine to be bisexual, but that's not who I am. Bisexual means exactly what the word implies - an attraction to members of two sexes. And that's okay; if you're just attracted to cisgendered women and cisgendered men, that's awesome for you. For me, though, it's insulting to be labeled as such. In fact, it's infuriating, because not only does it completely disregard the fact that I am open to loving people of ALL gender-identities, but it marginalizes those whose gender-identity doesn't correlate with their biological sex, or those who don't identify with any of the given genders.
Let's get one thing clear, straight people - gender/gender-identity and biological sex? Not the same thing. At. fucking. ALL.
I'm a very, very, very, very open-minded lesbian. It all just begs the question - which neat little category would I be labeled under if I were to fall in love with an individual who is a pre-op female-to-male transgendered individual? Am I a lesbian until they have the operation, and a possibly-constructed dick, a double-mastectomy? Am I a straight woman once they do? Or how about the opposite - a pre-op male-to-female transgendered individual? Am I straight when she has a cock, but gay after she has her operation? Or how about if I dated an individual who identifies as genderqueer - meaning, they don't identify clearly with either of the two conventionally-known genders? Or someone who is intersex - displaying androgynous physical characteristics, or even genitals that aren't or can't be clearly discerned as either male or female, or that are male and female? What am I then? And what are they, if they're dating a cisgendered pansexual-dyke? And, Goddess forbid - what if you're asexual? Or celibate, even? What then?
Why do humans seem to so often have this automatic, knee-jerk inclination for quickly placing things - PEOPLE - into tidy little categories? I know this question is so over-asked, but I seriously don't get it. And I don't think it's fair or respectful to define someone else's sexuality for them, as if what they're saying to you about their personal identity is just plain invalid.
You know, it's no better than all the dudebros I've had unfortunate run-ins with over the years who insist that I can't be a lesbian because I'm "too pretty," and I physically present as femme, and I wear skirts and make-up and perfume and high-heels, as opposed to basketball shorts and flannel and combat boots and buzzcuts, or whatever else is stereotypical of butch lesbians. I don't wear those things because that's not how I feel inside, and it wouldn't make me feel good or even comfortable to do that on a daily basis. The same dudebros who insist I'm only into girls because I haven't had any "good dick" lately (a little tip for all dudebros out there who say things like this to femme lesbians: talking to us about your "good dick" - or any dick at all, really - makes us dry-heave). Seriously, don't make me fucking gag. I get so fucking sick and tired of having it implied that my sexual-identity isn't valid because I'm a femme, or worse - having it implied by gay people that I'm femme to reap the benefits of a straight-privilege while sleeping with women behind closed doors, and liking it.
How can I reap the benefits of the straight-privilege when I'm not straight?
And I also have to wonder if said dudebros would say that kind of shit to butch lesbians - ones who do wear basketball shorts and have very short hair and like flannel and combat boots. Unlikely. That's their tidy little idea of what it means to look like a lesbian. They only say that shit to girls they think they can fuck, or that they want to fuck, as a means of exercising that good ol' male-privilege. And they think they can fuck me, and other femmes, because we don't "look like a lesbian," and, obviously, telling men you're into girls while looking feminine means you're only doing it for their benefit, so that they have free reign to exercise that privilege; you're just using it as a clever ploy to turn them on, and get them into bed, "play hard to get" and make them "chase" you.
I'll let all you dudebros in on another little-known secret - there is a very SMALL percentage of
In short - does my romantic love and attraction for a man subtract from my innate attraction to women? Does it make me simply bisexual? Does it mean I can't identify as a lesbian, even if that's how I feel inside?
The answer: No. I get to define my own sexuality; no one else gets to do that for me. I'm the only person who is allowed to shape my identity. I don't like tidy little boxes. I don't respect those lines; the lines you think I'm supposed to stay inside of. I detest marginalization. I defy social-convention. It isn't a choice, or a preference. I'm a cunt-lapper, a muff-diver, a bull, a queer, a lezzie.
A dyke.
A pansexual-dyke.
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