The Out 'n Proud Homo Next Door.

I realize that a lot of my posts have been about sexuality recently, and anyone who's reading this may be thinking that this is supposed to be a feminist blog, not a "gay, gay, gayness" blog. And it still is a feminist blog. As I said in a previous post, feminism is about advocating for the equality of minorities and oppressed parties; not just women's equality. However, I do think this will probably be the last blog about LGBTQI issues for a little while (unless, of course, something very significant happens with regard to LGBTQI rights or LGBTQI oppression in the news, or the media, or whatever). I do think it's quite important that I address the topic that I'm about to discuss here, though.

Over the years, a lot of people have asked me to tell them my "coming out" story, or, at the very least, relay what the experience of coming out entailed for me, or what it brought to my life. And I always kind of laugh this off, and there's a big joke among my friends that I don't have a significant coming out story because I didn't HAVE to come out, but that's not exactly true. I do think coming out is extremely important, and I don't take it lightly.

I realize that I was very, very, very lucky. I grew up in a household that was relatively accepting of diverse lifestyles, and, while he was quite conservative in most areas of life, and we didn't see eye-to-eye very often, my father was not - thank Goddess - a homophobe. Unfortunately, because he died when I was 14, I didn't ever get the chance to come out to him. I do often wonder how he would have handled it, being that I was his kid and, for some reason, people react differently sometimes when it's their own kid, versus when it's just a friend or... whatever, but I like to think that, in time, he would have probably been quite accepting. I think it would have taken him a little while to get used to it, but I do think that, eventually, he would have come around.

My mother is a different story.

I came out to my mom... probably within the year after my father died. I began a relationship with a girl (I don't know where she is now, as I never really saw/spoke to her again after we split, but for the sake of identity-protection, we'll call her "Bianca") and it lasted about six/seven months, or so, and it was the first time I'd ever dated anybody... semi-seriously, I guess. I liked Bianca a lot; she was very pretty, sexy, fun, creative, interesting, smart, and just... really awesome to be around. She was the first girl I'd ever kissed, the first person I ever had sex with, and the first person who made me feel like it was truly okay for me to be into girls; not just in that "removed" situation where most liberal people say that they like/support gay people, but to actually be gay, and secure with it.

So, I remember telling Bianca that I was taking the possibility of coming out to my mom under consideration, and she asked me a lot of questions about that (since she was already out to her family and a lot of her friends, and, thus, experienced in that area), like if there was a chance my mom would disown me, or kick me out, or hit me, and things like that. And I knew the answer to all of her questions was "no," because my mom is one of the most accepting, non-judgmental people in the world. I do remember thinking that I must've been really lucky and had it really easy, and it was the first time in my life that it dawned on me that some people have a really stressful and difficult home life, when they have to worry about their home and their parents no longer being the "safe place" that it always, always should be, after they come out to their families.

So, when I finally did come out to my mom, I remember being really, really, really, really, really, REALLY nervous about that, for some reason. We were alone, and I remember just kind of... looking her in the eye, and saying that there was something I needed to talk about. Obviously, from my demeanor, she must have understood that it was important, so she immediately gave me her undivided attention. I was shaking all the fuck over, I took a deep breath, told her that I had a girlfriend, and that I was very much interested in women. She laughed.

My mother fucking laughed. Not in a cruel way, but in a relieved, joyfully amused, "tell-me-something-I-don't-know" way.

And she said, and I quote, "I knew that when you were about... oh, eight, nine? Let's go eat." Which is amazing, really, because that's about the age I started realizing I liked girls, and started getting crushes on them, and admiring womens' bodies all the time, and looking through my father's Playboys. (Ha.)

Ever since then, she has been so wonderfully passionate about LGBTQI rights (not that she wasn't before, but I definitely think it augmented her interests and drive for social-acceptance), and she is truly one of our greatest allies. Of all time.

Not a day goes by where I'm not grateful for how lucky I am to have her as my parent. And not just because of my sexuality, but because she's one of the few true human beings I know, and she understands me, and allows me to be my free-thinking, radical self with a zero-censor policy, regardless of whether or not she agrees with me (we clash on religion, for instance). I just have to thank my lucky stars every single day for being fortunate enough to be born into a life where I have someone like her as my parent, and my hero. Because that's precisely what she is; she's my hero, my mentor, and my best friend.

I know there are so many people out there (maybe even some of you reading this) who don't have an understanding, open-minded parent like that. And I am just really sorry that things are still that way in the world. That's the kind of thing that contributes largely to the extremely-high gay teen suicide rates, and I just think that is so fucking sad. To be gay, and to be so scared of coming out that you feel like your parents would possibly rather see you dead, than have you alive and gay, is probably one of the saddest things in the world.

If you are gay (or bi, transgendered, etc.), and you live in a household where you feel like your parents are not going to be accepting of you, please don't kill yourself. You don't have to come out right away. Wait until you're out of your parents' home, and living independently from them, and then come out to them, because then they can't hurt you, kick you out, or take away your privileges to "punish" you, nor do they have the ability to make negative/discouraging comments about your lifestyle. You have your whole life to come out. I hope you will come out, eventually, because it is a wonderful feeling to get that off of your shoulders, but don't do it right away if you feel that your safety is threatened, or if you feel like you'll be disowned or kicked out.

Understand, also, that you do not have to let your sexuality define your entire existence. In fact, no one should let their sexuality define their entire existence, no matter what age you are. If you're very young, there are so many things you can and should focus on other than your sexuality. Let those things define you as a person; work on figuring out what you'd like to do with your life/your career, focus on things that you like to do (writing, art, music, playing with your dog, hanging out with your friends, going to/watching movies, designing webpages, reading, creating blogs/vlogs, doing jigsaw puzzles, being a video-game junkie... whatever you like to do, or whatever makes you happy when you're doing it, as long as it's positive and not harming yourself or other people, do that). After all, you are a full, multi-faceted, multi-dimensional human being, and you are still entitled to the same freedoms as everyone else, and those include just being a normal kid, and having your own interests, and enjoying your youth while it's yours. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not normal for being gay, and that you can no longer act like a normal person, because you are. Your sexuality isn't going anywhere, and you have your whole life to explore it. So if you're worried about coming out, don't come out if you're not ready, and just focus on other facets of your life.

However, if you're not out and don't feel like you can come out any time soon, but want to explore an attraction or a possible relationship with someone, I advise you do to so, but be honest with them right away. Let them know that you're not out to your parents, or your family. It's only fair to be up-front about that sort of thing, so they can at least gauge the situation. There's also a possibility that they're not out to their family, either, and it could be something you could possibly help one other with.

I think I may have covered all the bases. If I haven't, you can ask me about anything you'd like, and I'll do my best to answer.

If there's anyone out there reading this who is afraid to come out, who is questioning their sexuality, who is worried that their parents will be violent, angry, or disown them if they ever find out, please talk to someone who will understand. There are people out there who want to help. Find out if your school has a gay-straight alliance, check for a Gay & Lesbian Center in your area (I believe most areas have them now), and try to engage friendships with other members of the LGBTQI community. There are really a lot of amazing, supportive people out there who will not judge or hurt you.

And if anyone needs someone to talk to about this, wants advice while remaining anonymous, or just needs someone to lend an ear (either about this, or anything else), don't hesitate to send me a message.